There are two things that have been making me cry lately. I fear, sometimes, when I share things that are close to my heart that I will not be understood, or else misunderstood. I think this is a irrational fear, though. I do not write a blog with the hopes you will have a better understanding of me, even though I think that this will happen, inevitably. I record these thoughts, events, and feelings so I can begin to understand myself better. This is my endeavor.
I cried this morning because, as my friend Kelsey told me once, I took a shower. I take a shower every morning. This tradition started recently. I used to only wash my hair every other day or every third day. But since this daily ordeal has began, it has become a necessity. What makes me cry is that it is not a necessity. I do not have to shower every morning and yet, I do. If I didn't, I would proceed to convince myself that there is something wrong with not showering in the morning because I usually take a shower in the morning. It is precisely this routine and every other routine that I have established that I feel trapped inside of and there is no way to get out except to compromise. It is the knowledge that tomorrow morning I will wake up and do exactly what I did this morning and the day before that and the day before that. I find it hard to come to terms with my days and weeks being dictated by a schedule that outlines my commitments and my passions and somehow tries to fuse the two together. I go to school for 19 hours a week. I work eight hours each week. I exercise 2-4 times per week. I have countless other commitments that change on a weekly basis. I leave for Clark College at 8:15am and I get home from school between 4:00 and 6:00pm. Whether I am at work for an hour, in class for 50 minutes, or in a meeting, I am usually bidding my time, waiting for whatever it is to get over so that I can move on to my next task or appointment. I never arrive anywhere because I am always waiting to go somewhere else. I am rarely satisfied with where I am. My motivation for accomplishing most things is to accomplish something else. It has worked in the past, it will work in the future, but it doesn't work in the present. Some people feel stronger within the confines of routine. Others find comfort in repeated action. I get apathetic. I get bored. I have a personality that thrives in new environments and when I am discovering new things.
I think of the people of Nepal and the greatest lesson I brought home from that place and I also cry. So many of them live lives of repeated action. They perform one menial task for the duration of their lives. They do not have the education, the support or the means to change the position they are in, even if they wanted to. They settle into a routine of hard work and labor as their way of life. Women work in rice paddies and sit on street corners selling the fruits of their labor, men sit in storefronts and drive taxi cabs and street children supplement their parents' income by walking the streets and selling trinkets. I witnessed it for four weeks but it is their entire life. I had this conversation with my mom about middle-class America and the expectations we hold onto about life and happiness. The only conclusion I arrived at was that we expect so much more from life. We expect to achieve more success and thus, find more happiness than the people I saw in Nepal. We have this belief that we deserve to have the opportunities that are found in a college education and by exploring the world around us. Most of this exploration is done for selfish gain and fuels our desire to do bigger things and have better things than we did or had before. We expect our lives to be mobile. We have this mindset that because of where we are born, by our own actions, we have earned this right. It is a privilege to be able to choose where to live and to be able to go somewhere and then choose to leave that place. It is a privilege that we can attain knowledge and become aware of what is going on around us. It is a privilege that we have the appearance of absolute social mobility. In all of this, I mean to say that we are privileged to live in America. My juvenile complaining and my feelings of discontent are not based on what I have but on what I don't have.