All you have is now.

My friend Stephanie told me that she is attempting to speak simply as an exercise of her ability. I am practicing this skill too. Life is shitty. I would rather be someone else or somewhere else. I cannot wait for the conclusion of fall quarter. I cannot wait to entertain winsome dreams and thoughts about the future. On the contrary, whenever thoughts of discontentment take over, I have no choice but to look around and see what else is out there. I am pleasantly surprised. There is as much truth in the shitty parts of life as there is in conversations with friends and the sunshine that is outside my window.

There is a beautiful song by Sara Groves called, "Maybe There's a Loving God" and I heard it for the first time last week. There is one part that stands out to me. The lyrics are simple and yet, they explain the implications of serving a loving God. They ask us to entertain the endless possibilities we have, that we might encounter God's love in creation.

I'm trying to work things out
I'm trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God

Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God

I think that God invades the details of our lives if we allow him to. I do not hesitate to believe that God created the stars and the sky for one person, if that one person stands in awe of His creation every night. I do not doubt that in the presence of people, in words spoken, in events normally called happenstance, there is a loving God communicating to us in a real, tangible, dirty, and romantic ways. I think God is concerned with our response to the interactions we have with divinity everyday. Sometimes I find myself becoming unresponsive, but I know that when I open up my heart to be broken, to be wronged, to be corrected, to be changed, to be challenged, I also open my heart to the process of becoming whole.
Weeks ago, I woke up to a day that I didn't want to begin. Even in my waking moments, I felt overwhelmed with the tasks at hand. I think I had a grocery list of things to do. I got to school and walked to class in the pouring rain. Upon arrival, I realized I forgot something in my car and I needed to go back outside. I didn't want to because I had things to get done in Photography class and it was raining outside and I was parked far away. But I did. As I ran (Yes, I did run.) to my car, I prayed a little prayer to God. It was more like a plea. I said, "God, I wish that someone would tell me that it's okay and that I can make it through this day, because my thoughts are getting a little out of control."
One half hour later as I was processing a roll of film, I made an error in the chemical sequence. I exposed my negatives to a chemical about four times as long as is proper. A girl in my class named Heidi, ofwhom I know nothing about save for her name, stood next to me while I realized what I had done and as I started to panic, she looked at me and said, "It's okay," and offered sincere consolation to me.
I didn't recognize what had happened until I was outside once more. Of course everything is going to be okay. When I am upset, my mom says to me, "This too shall pass." It will pass and there is hope and things are going to be okay because there is divinity in humanity.